*looks at the last time she updated*
Wow its been awhile.

Um well a lot of things happened since ive update, got hit in my car... Yeah..im ok, but it was pretty scary..

Car is fixed and its all been settled so.

Been working baking up a storm for Christmas, I cant believe its already like 10 days till Christmas! It flew by. Im excited but I'm also really just grateful this year. After everything that's happened just the simple joys of baking with my mom and wrapping present has made me feel better.

Gonna spend the day with my lil sis tomorrow with our dolls. I made Santa suit for my doll Legato {yes the same one in my gallery ^^ check my facebook for pics} Its gonna be a fun day.

I haven't been posting mostly because i haven't had time to draw diddly squat. Ive kinda decided to put a hold on updates till after the holiday season. I will do a massive update on January 7th or 8th of the sketches and finished works.

Anyway. TO one and all a happy holiday and a prosperous new year!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK heres the dealio!

My friend Kt wants to get a dealers table next AWA and we talked about maybe going in on one {me her and luchan ^^}, she recently did a poll in her journal asking for opinion on what she should do.

WELL

I need help too. I'm no where NEAR as good an artist as she is, so i was thinking of doing post card sized prints, bookmarks, con/ID tags, and buttons of favorite anime/video game characters! I wouldn't charge much probably 1-5 dollar range. Same would be for commissions.

I also would like to do some sculpted jewelery! Once upon a time when willow was in middle school with her most favorite art teacher, she used to sculpt lil figurines from modeling clay and when I was at KT's house i discovered some left over sculpting clay and I made a lil mouse. I was thinking making pendents or earrings and such but i need YOUR help.

First for the prints I need to know what animes/video games i should do?
1 Final Fantasy 1-12?
2 FMA?
3 D Gray Man?
4 Kingdom Hearts?
5 Older animes {slayers sailormoon trigun ronin warriors ect...} ?
6 Horror Games {silent hill fatal from clock tower?
7 Other suggestions?
8 All the above?

Also if i do sculpt some jewelery or small boxes what should i do?

1 Shapes {moons stars clovers sun think lucky charms lol}?
2 animals [cats dogs bunnies fish]?
3 food [cakes cookies icecream pizza]?
4 anime faces

Give me suggestions people~! Or im just gonna run wild with it ^^ and do what i want

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My List of art to do:

"Icecream for 3"- completed*
"Mother of Mine"- 0%
"Saved the last dance for you"- completed*
"If the Sun Did Shine"-0%
"Dessert Star"-25%
"Funneh Kitteh!"-0%
"Angel Boyz"-25%
"Soul Within"-0%
"Prima Dons"-0%
"Divalicious"-25%
"Cowgirl Cutie"-75%
"Dragonfly Diva"-0%
"Miss Monkey"- 0%
"Elegant Elephant"- 0%
"Cecil Peregrine"- 0%
"Pinup- Crimson Butterfly"- 0%
"Wild at Heart"- 0%
"Pinup- Spell Bound"-completed*

*looks at list* i need to get to work ehhehheh...
Later peeps!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

~AMBER"S LIST OF PEEP'S TO CHECK OUT~

~ the lil sis
~ the awesome pirate
~ Yukisama!! My muse!
~ The most awesomest person ever man
~ Piss yur pants funny furry madness!
~ GO VISIT HER SHOPPE NOW!!

I first want to thank my friends, they know who they are, for everything they have done in the past weeks. I know I haven't been the best of company or the easiest to deal with recently but I wanna thank them for sticking through. Thank you...

Ive had alot of time to reflect. And although things are still feeling bad, each day I feel like im starting to get better. I'm still a long way from being happy but something in my sister journal hit me right in the heart. She spoke of the only one holding her back was herself..

...That really couldn't be more true, and not just for her.

I think Ive really been holding myself back from the things i want to be and want to have out of fear. Ive lost a lot sad to say, and I'm so scared to try again, fearing I would love something or enjoy something only to have it taken away from me again. So, I make excuses when really I'm just scared.

I dont want to hold myself back anymore. I'm gonna try. Ive decided I need to change some things about myself and what I do if Im ever going to feel happy again.

Number one thing is get back to excersing regurally and drop the weight i want to lose.

Number two, learn to let things just go. I'm gonna slowly relinquish the need to control everything in my life and everyone.

Number three, go back to doing the things i enjoyed. Singing and dancing being the big ones. Im looking for local theater groups or choirs/chorus groups again or even take a few classes at the community college. Also gonna sit down and draw at least once every day. Even if i produce nothing but doodles. I gonna take the "me" time.

and Number four, get out more. Im such a home body, I'm going to get out more and meet people. Look it more clubs and activities I can do outside my home. Maybe even start my own club!

Im going to start living my life again instead of existing, and I know these changes wont just happen over night, but I'm going to try little by little. I only hope my friends will continue to be there and help me through all this.

Heres to a better tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK heres the dealio!

My friend Kt wants to get a dealers table next AWA and we talked about maybe going in on one {me her and luchan ^^}, she recently did a poll in her journal asking for opinion on what she should do.

WELL

I need help too. I'm no where NEAR as good an artist as she is, so i was thinking of doing post card sized prints, bookmarks, con/ID tags, and buttons of favorite anime/video game characters! I wouldn't charge much probably 1-5 dollar range. Same would be for commissions.

I also would like to do some sculpted jewelery! Once upon a time when willow was in middle school with her most favorite art teacher, she used to sculpt lil figurines from modeling clay and when I was at KT's house i discovered some left over sculpting clay and I made a lil mouse. I was thinking making pendents or earrings and such but i need YOUR help.

First for the prints I need to know what animes/video games i should do?
1 Final Fantasy 1-12?
2 FMA?
3 D Gray Man?
4 Kingdom Hearts?
5 Older animes {slayers sailormoon trigun ronin warriors ect...} ?
6 Horror Games {silent hill fatal from clock tower?
7 Other suggestions?
8 All the above?

Also if i do sculpt some jewelery or small boxes what should i do?

1 Shapes {moons stars clovers sun think lucky charms lol}?
2 animals [cats dogs bunnies fish]?
3 food [cakes cookies icecream pizza]?
4 anime faces

Give me suggestions people~! Or im just gonna run wild with it ^^ and do what i want

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My List of art to do:

"Icecream for 3"- completed*
"Mother of Mine"- 0%
"Saved the last dance for you"- completed*
"If the Sun Did Shine"-0%
"Dessert Star"-25%
"Funneh Kitteh!"-0%
"Angel Boyz"-25%
"Soul Within"-0%
"Prima Dons"-0%
"Divalicious"-25%
"Cowgirl Cutie"-75%
"Dragonfly Diva"-0%
"Miss Monkey"- 0%
"Elegant Elephant"- 0%
"Cecil Peregrine"- 0%
"Pinup- Crimson Butterfly"- 0%
"Wild at Heart"- 0%
"Pinup- Spell Bound"-completed*

*looks at list* i need to get to work ehhehheh...
Later peeps!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

~AMBER"S LIST OF PEEP'S TO CHECK OUT~

~ the lil sis
~ the awesome pirate
~ Yukisama!! My muse!
~ The most awesomest person ever man
~ Piss yur pants funny furry madness!
~ GO VISIT HER SHOPPE NOW!!

This journal isnt really for anyone else but me, and the people close to me I suppose. I just want to write out how ive been feeling in hopes that getting ti all out might help me feel better or at least help the people closest to me better understand me.

Its winter time again and that means my S.A.D is kicking up again. Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, is a type of depression that affects a person during the same season each year. My mom has it too, and it happens very common in people who are related and have it and its very common in women between the ages of 15-55. It seems to get worse every year since I first noticed it about 4 years ago. I need to start up my light therapy again, as well as exercise in the mornings or early afternoon. These things have helped make it tolerable.

S.A.D side effect being lack of energy , motivation, and weight gain all making me feel worse. I was doing so well now i feel fat again. Ive slipped so far, i had only about 15 lbs to go and id be at a happy weight. Now..i think im back close to 40lbs..is so depressing.

With my mother having it as well, we both are miserable and it makes me feel bad knowing she suffering through it too.

I dont think its just the SAD though, Im generally displeased with my life and my lack of connection to people. I can honestly say only Katie and Lu have any strong bonds to me outside my family, everyone else is ...well someone I know or someone i see or meet. Acquaintances not friends. That makes me sad. I know people see me as a friend and it makes me upset that i dont because i want to. I miss the person I used to be. Strong, Confident, Self Assured, Kind, Loving...I feel so bitter now. So lonely. Like i need to validate my existence constantly. I know that cant be healthy.

People have recommended meds, but ive had antidepressants before, They didnt have the desired effect they just made me feel numb instead of making me feel better. Id rather feel pain then feel dead on the inside. Plus I couldn't think clearly on them, everything was hazy in my head.

To be honest i feel like alot of this is coming from a feeling of loss and loneliness. I sort of lived vicariously through my two friends and their wonderful romance. When it seemed to end, or not go so well since its not that they dont still love another but they arent technically together, I kind of lost that. It did annoy me hearing about how in love they were, but it gave me a strange kind of hope the love was still possible even with the odds they faced. Now..not only has that hope diminished but I find myself wanting to have it myself instead of just seeing it.

I know im not ready for the relationship I want. I need to have my own life in order and stable before inviting someone into it...but i miss feeling loved like that. Being cherished by someone not for any reason but because they do and want to. Having felt it before and lost it , its been hard.

I dont feel pretty, or sexy, or really desirable. People dont tend to even bat a eye at me. I dont think im vain, or I need to be complimented all the time, but at the same time I;d be nice to see a guy check me out even if im completely uninterested, just to know that im not a completely hopeless case.

I feel like when I talk too, that im not really being heard. That people hear the words, but thats all they hear. I know people wonder why i can be so quiet but at times so talkative, the truth is i have a lot to say just dont always feel i can speak. I dont like just jabbering to hear my own voice, i want to be heard. Sometimes i dont have the right words either so i wait till I have the right words before i speak, or at least i try to. Specially when im trying to ask for help. I never know how to come out and just ask for it. Even when I really need it.

I also feel really odd. I feel like im some space case , some freak. I enjoy alot of unusual things, or rather not mainstream things {always have} and because of that I feel like a strange person. I want to meet others like myself, who share my interests and passions. People I can talk to about these things and not feel strange for it. Its probably why I enjoy the conventions so SO much. Everyone there is so nice, and they are there because they all enjoy what I do, even if its not exactly the same its similar enough that I can talk with hem, just random people without hesitation! I miss that so much.

Finally...i feel like ive been a bother to my friends. They have been having a very tough time too and I feel like I'm letting them down. Or maybe bringing them down. I feel like pest because I always want to talk or do something and I know they dont always want to or have time to. Mostly i Just dont want to be alone with my thoughts to long since it just upset and depresses me. I feel like im burdening them with this and its really not their problem to deal with. But by knowing me, and being my friends, they inadvertently at stuck with it. I want to be cheerful and supportive for them since they really are having a rough time, and it upsets me that i cant bring myself up enough to do so for them. They both mean the world to me, close as family, and it pains me i cant help them because im feeling sorry for myself instead.

I think thats it. I might go lay down, it been tiring writing this. Maybe I'll draw, I haven't really felt motivated to. Everything this eventually passes...i hope this does to.

The last month has been hell.
Just hell.
Ive been on an emotional rollercoaster ride and frankly its making me sick.
One momment things are great and I'm doing fine, the next I'm angry and really pissed then the next Im depressed and just wanna curl up and cry.
Im just sick of it.
Most days now I just want to stay asleep and not wake up. Ive tried the normal things that make me happy and nothing works for very long.
Dont expect many pictures even the ones ive gotten finished , in just dont feel like showing them now.

Its times like now i believe in karma and keeping the world in balance with the forces yin and yang.

Lately my life has been OK, much better then it has been lately. Job has been good. I got my car back today {wootage man woot}, AWA was fun, I got a new obsession in my resin soul doll, Halloween and Christmas is on the way...good things.

BUT!

It just seems like all my friend and family ...are having sucky times. I mean, lots of drama and string of misfortune/bad luck.

And i don't know how to feel about it all. On one hand I'm finally doing OK in my own life, but on the other hand im upset now cuz the people i care about aren't doing so well. I want to be happy but i find myself still honestly upset now cuz I'm worried for these people.

So, I know I said I had alot to update and I really do, but none of its finished since Ive had a lack of motivation to finish anything.

*looks at list as it gets longer of things she plans and wants to draw*

Also haven't being roleplaying as much , busy schedules and drama have kinda been preventing that, which I've notice my muse is connected to my rping in someways. I defiantly draw more after i rp or if ive been rping alot. No ones fault really though, just no time for the most part.

Still waiting on my commission from Miss Yuki, poor thing keeps getting sick i feel so bad when I ask her anything about it, I really dont want to hound her but I dont think anyone has any idea how long ive WANTED some of her art and to have her draw MY OC...i swear I cried in joy when I got a slot. So...yeah

Also I guess alot of people dont watch my journals *emo tear*. Because only Lu gave any suggestions to my idea of selling things at the dealers table next year. So im gonna post it again, to anyone reading this PLEASE opinions. Very valuable they are.

Ok well my back hurts so gonna stop now ja~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK heres the dealio!

My friend Kt wants to get a dealers table next AWA and we talked about maybe going in on one {me her and luchan ^^}, she recently did a poll in her journal asking for opinion on what she should do.

WELL

I need help too. I'm no where NEAR as good an artist as she is, so i was thinking of doing post card sized prints, bookmarks, con/ID tags, and buttons of favorite anime/video game characters! I wouldn't charge much probably 1-5 dollar range. Same would be for commissions.

I also would like to do some sculpted jewelery! Once upon a time when willow was in middle school with her most favorite art teacher, she used to sculpt lil figurines from modeling clay and when I was at KT's house i discovered some left over sculpting clay and I made a lil mouse. I was thinking making pendents or earrings and such but i need YOUR help.

First for the prints I need to know what animes/video games i should do?
1 Final Fantasy 1-12?
2 FMA?
3 D Gray Man?
4 Kingdom Hearts?
5 Older animes {slayers sailormoon trigun ronin warriors ect...} ?
6 Horror Games {silent hill fatal from clock tower?
7 Other suggestions?
8 All the above?

Also if i do sculpt some jewelery or small boxes what should i do?

1 Shapes {moons stars clovers sun think lucky charms lol}?
2 animals [cats dogs bunnies fish]?
3 food [cakes cookies icecream pizza]?
4 anime faces

Give me suggestions people~! Or im just gonna run wild with it ^^ and do what i want

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My List of art to do:

"Icecream for 3"- completed*
"Mother of Mine"- 0%
"Saved the last dance for you"- completed*
"If the Sun Did Shine"-0%
"Dessert Star"-25%
"Funneh Kitteh!"-0%
"Angel Boyz"-25%
"Soul Within"-0%
"Prima Dons"-0%
"Divalicious"-25%
"Cowgirl Cutie"-75%
"Dragonfly Diva"-0%
"Miss Monkey"- 0%
"Elegant Elephant"- 0%
"Cecil Peregrine"- 0%
"Pinup- Crimson Butterfly"- 0%
"Wild at Heart"- 0%
"Pinup- Spell Bound"-completed*

*looks at list* i need to get to work ehhehheh...
Later peeps!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

~AMBER"S LIST OF PEEP'S TO CHECK OUT~

~ the lil sis
~ the awesome pirate
~ Yukisama!! My muse!
~ The most awesomest person ever man
~ Piss yur pants funny furry madness!
~ GO VISIT HER SHOPPE NOW!!